In a story familiar to anyone who has received a long-awaited inheritance, Dayton, OH-based couple Dana and Kit Belanger have begun to grow impatient waiting for their rich child to die.
“That stubborn bastard just won’t give it up!” Kit told reporters. “I mean, yeah, Noah is 28 and in prime physical condition, but damn if I don’t wake up every morning wondering if last night was the night he finally met his maker.”
While sources close to Dana and Kit felt the couple was being crude and, frankly, grotesque, Dana and Kit said they won’t apologize for not shying away from the harsh realities of life.
“Some people tip-toe around the concept of money,” Dana told reporters. “Not us! We’ve found it’s always best to be upfront about our desire for our eldest son to die and leave us the money he’s made from seven years as an investment banker.”
Kit agreed, saying, “We find it’s best not to over sentimentalize things like this. So many people out there are just waiting for their grandparents to die so they can inherit their house. This is the exact same thing. We just aren’t pretending that we’re grateful when he survives yet another day.”
Sources felt there were a few notable differences in these scenarios, namely that one of them involves the early death of the child you brought into this world.
“There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that it’s someone’s time to pass away,” Dana said, in an attempt to justify her actions. “And there’s nothing wrong with recognizing that we’re ready to start this new chapter of our lives. The money-having chapter.”
“I know Noah and he would want us to have this money,” Kit added. “Besides, his quality of life isn’t great at the moment, and it feels more humane to just pull the plug.”
Kit clarified that by “pull the plug,” he meant “hire a hitman to stage Noah’s untimely death and make it look like an accident.”
When informed of his parents’ comments, Noah was alarmed, but not exactly surprised.
“I’m an investment banker, of course my quality of life sucks. I’m working 24/7,” Noah told reporters. “But that doesn’t mean I would be better off dead! Regardless, I should’ve seen this coming. My parents always took way too big of a cut out of my lemonade stand earnings when I was a kid.”
When they were informed of their son’s comments, Dana and Kit just laughed it off.
“He’s always saying the craziest things!” Dana said. “Anyone who’s had a family member in hospice knows that you learn to just ignore their ramblings after a while.”
However, at press time, the couple became very serious when reporters suggested that the couple didn’t love or care for their son.
“We absolutely adore Noah!” Kit said. “Will we miss him when he’s gone? Of course! But we’ll just have to be strong and take solace in the fact that he’s looking down at us, watching us use his hard-earned money to backpack across Europe. Just like he always wanted, we imagine.”
