I used to think technology was good. From smart refrigerators to video doorbells to Facebook Messenger, it seemed like there was no product or appliance that those Silicon Valley wizards couldn’t improve with their tech-savvy skills.
But all of that changed earlier today, when I got my period and my pussy shut down completely before telling me that it required two-factor authentication before I could insert a tampon.
At first, I was confused when my pussy emitted a low beep and told me it had sent a six-digit code to another part of my pussy that would allow my tampon to access my body’s private account. I had a lot of questions, like, “How can my pussy require two-factor authentication, a security tool designed to deny intruders access even if they have your password?” and, “What do you mean, there’s a six-digit code hidden somewhere inside my pussy?”
Confused but determined, I tried everything I could think of to retrieve my pussy’s six-digit verification code, but it really seemed to be jammed up in there. I even tried shining my phone’s flashlight all around my pussy, but all I could see was a tiny four. Or was it my IUD? Yikes!
At one point I tried calling my gynecologist to see if she could provide some tech support, but I ended up speaking to a customer service robot who warned me that if I entered the wrong verification code, I could be locked out of my pussy indefinitely.
What the hell? I have important stuff in there!
As I sat on the toilet, just kind of waiting for my period to end, I double-checked the fine print on my pussy. Turns out, I accidentally opted into an additional layer of security last time it was upgraded and just didn’t notice until I had to stick something in there.
Boy, did I feel stupid!
All this time I had been crying and making the inside of my toilet look like the bottom of a grape-stomping barrel, and not once did I stop to think that this technology could have been designed to help people like me. Wow!
Having two-factor authentication in your pussy isn’t for everyone, but it’s a great way to ensure your safety without having to have awkward conversations with men. And isn’t that what feminism is all about?
Let me say it loud and proud: My pussy has two-factor authentication, and I couldn’t be happier. If you have questions, feel free to let me know. I’ll be on the toilet for the next three days!
