In an astounding story out of Boston, MA, 28-year-old Waylon Reade just accidentally deep-cleaned her entire apartment while on the phone with her grandma.
“It’s like I was in some kind of trance or something,” Waylon told reporters. “It usually takes me weeks to work myself up to tidy my apartment, let alone deep clean, but something about my grandma’s 45-minute unrelenting monologues about life in the 50s just puts me in the right state of mind I guess!”
Waylon added that she always has to be in motion when her grandma calls, lest she get lulled into a coma-like stupor.
“Getting a call from my grandma definitely gets me off the couch,” Waylon said. “And once I’m up, it’s like my brain goes on autopilot and just starts cleaning anything in sight. Yeah, my grandma’s stories might be long-winded, but, hey, my apartment’s never been cleaner and she actually knows, like, a ton about the Cold War.”
When reporters reached Waylon’s grandma for comment, she said that she’s never noticed her granddaughter doing anything out of the ordinary on the other end of the line, but says that even if she did, it wouldn’t matter.
“I mean, sure, sometimes I can hear a bit of scuffling on the other end of the line, or some very vigorous scrubbing,” Ellen Gaines, Waylon’s grandma, told reporters. “But as long as I get my standard 45 minutes of straight talking done, I don’t have any complaints. Do you want to hear about how the Cold War caused the decline of the Soviet Union’s military-industrial sector?”
Reporters couldn’t deny that they were interested, but ultimately had to decline, as they didn’t have a bunch of dishes to do or a big basket of socks to sort.
Waylon says that the last few times she’s been on the phone with her grandma, she’s put on her headphones, gotten bombarded with 90 minutes of pure, undiluted information on the Cuban Missile Crisis, blinked, and somehow found her apartment to be scrubbed clean and spotless.
“It’s honestly kind of unnerving,” she said. “I’ll be like, ‘Wait, did I clean the baseboards? I didn’t even know we were supposed to do that,’ or ‘How did I do a full load of laundry? I don’t even remember going down to the laundry room in the basement.’ Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, but it just makes me wonder what else I might have done while on the phone with my Grandma Ellen, you know?”
As of press time, Waylon had ultimately decided that the phone calls with her grandma were more important to her than any reservations she had about becoming a mindless cleaning robot. Unfortunately, reporters weren’t around to take her comment, as they were on the phone with Grandma Ellen, cleaning their shower, and learning so much about the Russian Revolution.
