In a remarkable show of foresight, 23-year-old Marcie Jacob’s went to the grocery store today and bought an entire week’s worth of groceries. In an equal and opposite show of skill, she then ate all those groceries in seven hours.
Nice! She probably still saved money, right?
“I decided this was finally going to be the week I start meal prepping,” Marcie told reporters with her head in her hands. “So, I did that, but then I ate all the meals at once. How is this physiologically possible? I think I blacked out.”
Sources confirm immediately after getting home with her raw ingredients, Marcie started chopping some vegetables to prepare a salad, but instead simply ate the vegetables as chopped them.
“I looked up, and they were all gone,” she continued. “I assumed that was just an anomaly. I never could have guessed that I’d eat all my other groceries, too.”
According to a witness at the scene — Marcie’s roommate, Frances Greer, who was watching from behind her bedroom door — Marcie then started prepping a pasta dish. In the meantime, she absolutely went to town on the container of Goldfish meant to last her the week.
“By the time I had boiled the water for my pasta, I realized the Goldfish were empty, and I’d been absent-mindedly chewing on the uncooked pasta, too,” she said tearfully. “How hath this hell been wrought by mine own hand?”
Reporters were confused by this abrupt turn toward Old English but chalked it up to Marcie having an emotionally raw experience.
Upon realizing what had happened, Marcie decided it was best to remove herself from the situation and go to her bedroom, lest she be tempted to consume more of her week’s worth of groceries.
She promptly forgot that she had done this, left her room, and headed to the kitchen to snack on some pickles. She finished the pickle jar and was halfway back to her room when she stopped in the living room and yelled, “Wait, nooooo!”, realizing she’d done it again.
By the evening’s end, she had consumed all the yogurt, granola, cookies, olives, and bread that she had planned to portion over seven whole days. But on the bright side, she was super full and probably wouldn’t be hungry again until the morning.
At press time, Marcie decided it would be more economically wise for her to eat out for every single meal, considering she ate $75 worth of groceries and was honestly not that satisfied by the experience.
