In a harrowing story emerging from Brooklyn, NY, 28-year-old Penelope Diaz currently has a stomach ache to rival all stomach aches. This comes as a shock, considering she’s only eaten way too much and extremely poorly.
What? Where is this mysterious pain coming from, given the facts?
“Sure, I knew eating a cream pizza with a side of sour candy and washing it down with a Diet Coke and three heads of broccoli was probably not going to be kind to my digestive tract,” she told reporters gathered outside her bathroom stall, where she’s been marooned for 45 minutes. “But what’s all this about me feeling bad now? Where did this come from? And moreover, why is it happening?”
Reporters urged her to remember the first half of her sentence where she admitted to eating the daily recommended amount of dairy, sugar, carbs, and vegetables in under 10 minutes.
“My mysterious illness continues to astound…” Penelope continued. “Do you think I have the flu?”
Reporters quickly quelled this concern, as she’s experiencing none of the known symptoms of the flu and is instead experiencing every symptom of “eating way too much bad stuff really fast.”
She then asked, “Maybe if I eat some of the leftover pasta from last night I’ll feel better?”
Sure, babe! Anything’s worth a try, even if you know it won’t help at all!
“We in the scientific community are baffled as to why this might be occurring,” said renowned physician Dr. Gia Hammond, who kept a straight face for ten seconds before bursting into laughter. “LMAO just kidding – imagine! It’s obviously because she ate so much and so poorly. Wait, were you guys being serious?”
In Penelope’s defense, she could not have known this would happen, as she’s only ever experienced it yesterday, the day before, and every other day this month.
Yes! Learning from your mistakes is so passé!
“Is Penelope in the bathroom again?” Penelope’s boss, Jeanne Jenkins, asked reporters. “Because if she’s not, she should be. I saw what she had for lunch, and it looked like way too much and also bad.”
Reporters reminded Jeanne that it’s rude to observe or judge people for what they’re eating, as you don’t know anyone’s story. In this specific case, though, Penelope’s story is super obvious and clearly 100% her fault.
At press time, Penelope vowed never to eat this much and this poorly again, or at least for the next two hours until dinner.