In a new study conducted by the National Institute of General Medical Sciences, findings suggest that engaging in online discourse of any kind is equivalent to smoking five packs of cigarettes in one day.
“The general public seems to know that reading discourse can be pretty stressful and posting your own two cents about it can be much worse,” Lead Researcher Miriam Debford told reporters. “However, I think I can speak for all of us here in this department when I say that we were completely shocked at just how disastrous it could be for both your health. It turns out that reading conflicting opinions from more than 50 people online can be detrimental to both your mind and body, no matter how juicy the drama is.”
In the study, researchers tracked participants’ vitals while they were both catching up on the arguments online and when they actively engaged with it, whether it be replying to someone else’s point or posting their own opinion on the internet for everyone else to see.
“The data was startling, to say the least,” Debford continued. “In just one day, we saw participants lose years off their potential life spans, all because they had strong feelings about the hit Netflix show ‘Love Is Blind.’ The health ramifications from interacting with online discourse is striking, not to mention the two actual packs of cigarettes that each participant smoked after logging off for the day.”
“Now I’ll think twice before I add my own opinion on AD and Clay,” one participant, Jessie Ackley, told reporters. “It’s just not worth it. I might as well spend my time doing things that are way less stressful and easier on my body, like drinking whiskey or smoking even more cigarettes.”
While some participants decided to give up their unhealthy attachments to online discourse after the study, others were even more committed to staying up to date on what everyone on the internet is arguing about, even despite the clear health risks involved.
“I live for these anger-fueled back-and-forths between total strangers on the internet,” another participant, Angelique Schwartz, told reporters. “For me, it’s what makes life worth living. I want to fight about whether the Oscar winners this year deserved their awards, and I honestly don’t care if it shortens my life span. ‘Live fast, die young’ is what I always say! Even if that life is spent refreshing my feed to look at all the new arguments people are starting.”
As of press time, researchers had elected to take a mental health break, as conducting this particular study had negatively affected their peace of mind and vitality as well.
