Skinny jeans are a look as classic and sleek as smoking cigarettes. We keep coming back to both staples season after season. And this year’s hottest silhouette is cut so slim that they look painted on—just like the layers of nail polish you need to cover up your nicotine-yellowed talons. Check out our affordable picks for looking positively carcinogenic:
Ankle zippers for meal-skippers. This pair of slim trousers with a tapered, zip ankle will fit just so because you replaced both breakfast and lunch with at least a half-dozen American Spirits and Diet Cokes. Look for something with a bit of stretch for that idealistic streak you’ll get after the holidays where you quit for two weeks and gain 30 pounds.
Sleek pleats for shaky feets. Look for something with a pleat down the center of each leg for even greater slimming benefits. Not that you need them, really—it was hard enough rifling through the racks with your shaky hands to find your tiny size as it was. Even your mom has suggested that you put on a few pounds.
High waisted pants for high, wasted people. A high waist flatters those with narrow hips, thin waists, and small bottoms. Thanks to your steady diet of Virginia Slims, clear alcohols, and the occasional Adderall, you tick all those boxes! The rush you’ll feel when you slip on this retro pair will be almost as good as your first drag of the morning!
Match your pants to your skin tone: yellow. Try your cigarette pants in a bright color for a look that dares to say, “I’m skinny but I don’t exercise!” People will take notice of those funky tones on those narrow pins of yours as you’re waiting for an elevator to the second floor, or hacking some other funky colors out of the depths of your lung. Thanks, Philip Morris!
Rejoice in the season! Finally, it’s hip to have pants as thin as your hair.