Netflix is adding a slew of new movies to their roster – and we’ve got the list! While your loveless, sexless marriage may have hit a new low this holiday season, nothing is going to save it like curling up together in your living room, turning off the lights, and watching a movie on your projector in perfect silence with Dan! Tune out the nagging voice in your head saying, “this man feels like a stranger laying next to me” with these must-see movies:
The Wolf of Wall Street
Based off of the true story of Jordan Belfort, The Wolf of Wall Street follows a ruthless stockbroker living extravagantly until his ultimate demise. Maybe Dan will seem like less of coldhearted, money-hungry monster in comparison, and you’ll realize you don’t have it so badly after all. Maybe not, though. Better watch it to find out.
American Beauty
As you watch the sexually frustrated Kevin Spacey fall in love with his daughter’s friend, you start to realize that this plotline has absolutely nothing to do with your life at all. This is DEFINITELY not the 1950’s, Dan is totally not a pedophile, and you are definitely masturbating unapologetically every night. Thank your lucky stars you were guilted into marrying Dan six years ago, instead of 60 years ago!
Almost Famous
Even though you were almost famous until Dan forced you to move back to Ohio to be “closer to his family,” this coming of age film about a teenager who follows a rock band around the country makes you realize that the rock and roll lifestyle isn’t all that it seems, after all. And your in-laws watch the dogs when you go to spin class, so really maybe you should stop complaining about all of this and appreciate what you have?
A Knight’s Tale
This classic, starring the late, great Heath Ledger, is a showcase of his talent as a young actor early in his career. At least Dan isn’t dead though, right? Things could always be a lot worse.
I, Frankenstein
This B-movie sequel to the Mary Shelley classic is a good reminder that you are married to an actual man and not a semblance of dead body parts.
After you binge-watch a few of these favorites, you’ll soon be smacking your head and reminding yourself that everything is perfectly fine and you were just in a mood earlier. Just drop it, Dan.
Marriage: Saved!
