I’ve always been a crafty girl, and that’s why I decided to hop on a new trend and make my wedding dress out of toilet paper. Also, my fiancé, Sid, happens to be a huge pile of shit so it’s the perfect dress for the occasion.
My dress has taken a total of 200 rolls, some thread and over 500 hours to make, but I’ve had plenty of time to work on it since Sid is usually out of town or at the bar. But I do have a beautiful gown perfect for my big day and for wiping up my shitsack of a man!
I’m really getting excited to wear this dress on my big day! One time Sid took a call from Japan while we were putting my dog Penny down. I had that dog for 12 years, and he couldn’t wait five minutes for the vet to inject her before answering a business call? Man, he’s really a pile of shit. That’s why it makes sense I’m wearing a toilet paper dress to the gorgeous wedding we’re having upstate in September!
After I finished making the dress in my craft room, I put it on to see if it fit right. The dress was flawless and I’m obsessed with it, but then Sid walked in huffing and puffing because he was hungry and asked, “What’s that?” even though it was obviously a huge elaborate beautiful white wedding gown, made of toilet paper. He also didn’t notice that my fingers were bleeding from poking myself with the needle and that I was crying because I hate him. At least I’ll have so many tissues to cry into while I’m walking down the aisle!
I sometimes fantasize about leaving my pile of shit fiancé, but then I remember all the other guys I’ve ever dated are piles of shit too, so that’s the main reason why I am super excited to walk down the aisle in a toilet paper dress. It just feels right! And also like I have no other options whatsoever.
One time, I met one guy one time who didn’t seem like a huge pile of steaming poop. He is my best friend Renée’s husband who tried to kiss me. So now I know for sure there are no non-poop guys located in my area, which is why I’m totally ready to say, “I do” while wearing 200 rolls of two-ply!!
