In an inspiring story emerging from Brooklyn, NY, 26-year-old Olivia Delancey just ordered a matcha latte instead of her typical cold brew –– a perfect way for her to experience caffeine and moral superiority over lowly coffee-drinkers at the same time.
“Coffee has loads of terrible health effects, and the fact that it’s so normalized to drink it every morning is just a sign of the moral rot of our society,” she told reporters, as if she had not been drinking coffee every single day until right now. “Matcha, however, has a lot of antioxidants. Antidepressants? Anti-inflammatories.”
Reporters confirmed she was right the first time.
“You know, matcha is technically a green tea, so think about that,” she continued while taking a sip from her cup and trying to hide a wince, not because the drink fundamentally tasted bad but because it was a bit too complex for her palate. “Mmm, tastes good to me but to most people it would probably taste like dirt.”
Sources confirm Olivia was definitely projecting here, considering she said this then immediately spit out a bit of her matcha once she thought no one was looking.
“I wanted to lower my caffeine intake but still have a little beverage to drink every day,” she told her coworker, Florence Giavetti, even though literally no one asked. “Matcha is the perfect way to do that! You don’t have to make drastic changes to fundamentally improve your life, you know – just small ones that are consistent over time.”
This is Olivia’s first time trying matcha, and the verdict is out on whether she will ever do it again.
Over the course of the day, Olivia told a record 25 people that she had started her day with a cup of matcha, most of whom she was meeting for the first time.
“I have no clue what that girl’s name is, but she was really insistent that matcha is good for your gut biome,” said passerby Gregory Reed. “I was only stopping her to tell her she had toilet paper stuck to her shoe, though, so fingers crossed she figured that out sooner rather than later.”
As of press time, Olivia had overslept a little bit, ran out the door, and grabbed the most concentrated cold brew she could find, stating she “couldn’t be bothered to do that health shit today of all days.”
