Man With Thick Mountain Beard Really Prefers Waxed Vag

Seattle resident Spencer Carlyon may live in the city, but takes pride in his mountain man aesthetic and his full, unkempt beard.


“I’m just a guy who knows what he likes,” Carlyon says. “And that includes my big, thick beard.” And when it comes to the genitals of the women he dates, he also knows what he likes: a baby-soft waxed vag.


Carlyon said he first started growing his beard in college.


“I never really liked how my face looked—my jaw was really thin. Once I started growing out my beard, I started to feel like me!” he explains.


“And as I started dating more and more women, I also realized: I want a box so slippery my dick can ski off it.”


People often comment on Carlyon’s beard when they meet him for the first time.


“Sometimes it bothers me, because it’s my face, you know? Maybe it’s something unusual to you, but it’s part of my identity and ultimately only my business.”


Carlyon’s ex-girlfriend, Gina Helms, confirms his preference for a hairless vagina.


“We’d been dating for a few months before Spencer told me he just couldn’t get turned on because of my bush,” Helms explains. “Sometimes I had to pull crumbs from his beard out of my mouth.”



“I don’t know what it is about hairless clams,” Carlyon added, “but unless I can see my reflection in it, I’m not interested!”


Carlyon, whose current Tinder profile says, “DON’T MESSAGE UNLESS U R WAXED!!!” loves his Hagrid-ass beard, and says he wouldn’t change it for anyone.


“If you’re not attracted to me, you’re not attracted to me. That’s fine,” he explains. “But I’ll only go down on a girl if she’s waxed. Like, recently. I’m sorry, but getting a mouthful of hair is fucking disgusting!”


As for future plans, Carlyon says he’s not dating anyone special and plans to keep jacking off to porn.


“Those hairless women are so gorgeous,” he explains, stroking his fucking Charles Manson monstrosity. “I’m holding out for a girl like that!”