Fueled by an unfounded sense of outrage, Brooklyn resident Brendan Parker terrorized a local housewarming party last Saturday while brandishing his gender studies degree.
Witnesses say that the incident began over a seemingly innocuous comment made by a party guest about a local filmmaker. “I said I wasn’t really into Lena Dunham’s new book,” Mallory Nyguen said. “Next thing I know, I’m being asked if I know the hurdles women in the entertainment industry face and something about the male gaze.”
Nyguen, who is an actress, is both a woman and working in the entertainment industry, added, “I just knew he wasn’t going to stop until I gave in and admitted my privilege.”
“He came out of nowhere,” says hostess Sarah Casey. Casey believes he is somehow connected to one of her “idiot” coworkers, though none of her invited party guests would admit to knowing the perpetrator. “It all happened in slow motion. I just hid under the table until he left. ”
Parker moved throughout the party, unleashing the fundamental concepts of his undergraduate major at every opportunity. “It was kind of weird to get lectured about the patriarchy by, y’know, a member of the patriarchy,” one victim commented. “He called me an Uncle Tom for wearing bras.”
In a particularly disturbing turn, one witness said that Parker claimed that he had “read too many books to even see gender anymore,” a claim the witness added was especially dubious, as it was never made clear what specific books Parker was reading. “He just kept asking if I’d heard of the Madonna/Whore complex, which isn’t a book.”
A review of Parker’s social media reveals that this is not the first time he has weaponized his liberal arts degree. Frequent links from the women’s news site, Jezebel, accompanied by “smdh” and “you’ve got to be KIDDING me” captions pepper his Facebook feed. “It was only a matter of time,” a close friend of Parker’s commented. “He’s been waiting for an opportunity to really put that thing to use in person for awhile now.”
“The party ended with him yelling at someone about ‘queer privilege,’” his friend added. “I don’t even know if that’s a real thing.”
Parker did not identify where he obtained the degree, though he assured his victims that it was from a university that’s “pretty legit.”
