We’ve all been there—you’ve picked out four pairs of underwear (black, gray, charcoal gray, and black with gray stripes), but need one more pair to get that 5 for $25 deal. Before you succumb to the noxious fumes of vanilla glitter spray, you end up grabbing those lime-green boyshorts to get the hell out of there. Instead of relegating those disappointing unmentionables to laundry day only, here are a few low-key dates to make sure that he doesn’t see your shameful skivvies.
Kick back with a board game.
Get your Scrabble on and make his dong droop with a merciless slaughter or a painfully slow game where you can’t decide what to play. He’ll either feel ashamed of his intellect or ashamed that he’s dating such a dum-dum. Either way, kick the board over and go to bed mad. He’ll never suspect you have on white granny panties spotted with menstrual blood.
Catch up on sports.
Casually hang out with him while he cheers on his favorite team, while nagging him incessantly. Make passive-aggressive comments about his grooming habits, repeatedly switch the channel to HGTV, and trash-talk like a motherfucker. By the time it’s the fourth down or the second trimester or whatever, he’ll be so aggravated that all he’ll have the energy to do is anger-spank it in the shower while wishing you dead. Regardless, he will not be seeing your ill-fitting magenta cheeksters, so touchdown!
Enjoy some half-price sushi & a hike in the desert.
Just when he’s finished dry heaving the taste of rancid eel out of his mouth, the dehydration and crippling intestinal cramps will begin. Point out some pretty cacti for him to squat over while you give yourself a high five. He’ll be so intent on not dying that he won’t even care that he’s shitting himself in front of you. Who has the lame underwear now, Kevin? Not you (even though yours says “Ho Ho Ho” across the seat).
Hit the Friday night mixer at your local church.
Share a few dances while not touching and pound some of that gross ginger ale punch with the sherbet floating in it. Chances are that your mutual lack of sexual attraction will overtake the guilt and make for no peeking downstairs. If he persists, remind him that you want to wait for marriage. Surely Victoria’s Secret will have enough decent colors by then, right?
Take a fun camping trip—with your dad!
Spend a laid-back weekend reconnecting with nature, all while sharing one tent. He isn’t going to try any funny business with your father (and his rifles) mere inches away. Just make sure you change clothes inside your sleeping bag. You don’t want your guy—or your dad—seeing you in high-waisted yellow briefs with butterflies on them. Who are you—Mariah Carey?
Skip paying your electric bill and spend a cozy night at home—in total blackness.
Pop some frighteningly cheap wine whose label he won’t be able to read, and feed each other factory-second Hydrox. The combo of darkness, gritty imitation crème in your teeth, and the aftertaste of Croatian Zinfandel will mean no one will ever discover your panties have a heart-shaped cutout over the butthole.
With these totally casual and asexual date ideas, you’ll be riding free in those regretful undies.
