Liz Actually Has Really Nice Towels

At a recent The Bachelor viewing party hosted by Liz Wilson, it came to the attention of guests that the 23-year-old Brooklyn resident actually has really nice towels.


“I was like, ‘Holy shit, Liz has really nice towels,’” says friend Liddy Mande. “Who has towels that nice when their life is that shitty?”


Ms. Wilson, who lives in a studio apartment on the 300 block of Washington Street, is popularly known by friends and acquaintances as being “a fucking trainwreck.”


“I fully expected to have to wipe my hands on my pants when I used her bathroom,” said acquaintance and reluctant partygoer Jasmine Weaver. “But like, her hand towels were so plush and had clearly been freshly laundered. I was actually really impressed.”



Despite knowing Wilson from her consistently hung-over state, visitors found Liz’s entire bathroom clean and well decorated. “This is a girl who somehow wears yesterday’s makeup every single day,” said Angela Frizzell, “and yet, she had a scented candle lit in there that matched the towels. And those towels were actually really nice.”


Wilson works as a social media manager for the downtown animal shelter and is 17 minutes late every single day, despite living 17 minutes away. When asked about her job performance, her colleagues all noted that she loses or breaks her phone so frequently that she always has to find one to borrow in order to do her job. “We told her she can use the office PC to tweet messages about our mission statement,” says boss Dr. Amelia Stern, “but she says Twitter’s desktop layout makes her nauseous.”


In light of Wilson’s overall chaos at work, her office mate Jane Parsons was floored by the sight of her bathroom. She noted that not only were the hand towels impressive, but “her bath towels are very absorbent and soft, like those you would find in a high-end hotel.” Parsons adds, “I didn’t think she’d even have a working toilet.”


“I avoided entering her living environment for as long as I possibly could,” said longtime friend Caity Johnson. She was in town for a conference and felt obligated to stay with her friend in order to not appear rude. “I was shocked to be met with such luxury,” she said. “I guess she’s doing better than we thought.”


Liz declined to comment when asked where she purchased the towels, raising suspicions that perhaps the towels were stolen from the Radisson next to her work.