Karen Engaged. Karen.

In a reversal of all that makes sense in this world, Karen Growski, 34, is now engaged. The shocking news broke via Facebook notification Tuesday evening, prompting sources not particularly close to the third-tier friend to report, “Seriously? Karen?”


Although sources report that Karen, whose breath smells like corpses, is literally the last friend you would expect to get engaged before sources did, especially to a lawyer, the jarring Facebook notification was quickly corroborated by a photo post from the beef stew-enthusiast herself. The human khaki pant reported, “He went to JARED!!!!:)!!!<3.”


Karen, yes, seriously, that Karen, also changed her profile picture to a photo of her smiling through her nose next to one “Jake Browning” who, holy shit, is actually kind of cute and went to Brown? What? Sources emphasize that this is Karen we’re talking about; Karen, whose previous five profile pics were her dancing with her cat in a room lit only by a television set.



If sources’ Facebook digging is to be believed, Karen, to whom the 1998 N’Sync hit “(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You” simply does not apply, met this “Jake,” who seriously must have something majorly wrong with him because otherwise this makes ZERO sense, three years ago at a volleyball game.


Despite the existence of millions of more eligible women, women with decent hair, who haven’t worn exclusively one-piece swimsuits their entire lives, and who have a working knowledge of post-modernism, “Jake” apparently took this chance meeting as a sign to abandon all hope and actually kindle a romance with a woman whose complexion looks waxy even compared to an actual candle.


Prior to an eligible human man (who, sources grudgingly report, they would date) choosing her of all people to be the only woman to kiss and talk with at night for the rest of his life, Karen, who is as cool as napalm and half as fun to be with, was perhaps the only person to whom sources felt genuinely superior. Now, sources don’t even know what to report. Sources feel very, very alone.


As of press time, Karen, who refers to sex as “uh-oh time” for chrissake, has achieved the one thing that relatives are always nagging sources about, which could persuade sources that they are beautiful and deserve love.


Sources speculate that Karen’s wedding theme will be teddy bears or Swedish Fish.