You’re two hours into Tuesday morning and everything already sucks. You haven’t showered, your cat keeps vomiting up green stuff, and right now you’re in a meeting about some quarterly bullshit. You need one thing right now. Wine. But you’re worried it’ll look bad if you rip open a box of red and suckle its wine nozzle teat like a booze-hungry piglet in the middle of the day. The answer? Pair it with some food. Normally, you’d pair your drink with a creamy Brie or pungent Gouda, but today’s a shitshow and for real, and you’ve got your eye on A3 in the vending machine.
Cue: Junior Mints, the ultimate versatile wine food. Pair them with smoky Malbecs or bold Merlots alike for a corn-syrupy liquor fix that’ll keep you going through this trash bag of a day.
Junior Mints + Beaujolais
Beaujolais wines have a crisp, clean fruitiness, which nicely cut through the clumpy decadence of half-melted Junior Mint. Put the two together and you have a lively combo that’ll speed up your heart rate while also slowing it down like some malformed version of speedballing. Beaujolais is best sipped chilled out of a red wine glass, but feel free to sip it warm out of a red wine bottle. Soon, you’ll reach that sweet spot where you’re solidly buzzed, yet tired enough to ignore all the idiots on your subway car.
Junior Mints + Tawny Port
Ports have an oomph and sweetness, which perfectly heighten the already diabetes-inducing yummy in your Junior Mints. You’ll be hurtling towards a sugar coma so fast, you won’t even notice the 7,000 unread emails you haven’t dealt with yet. Port is typically sipped out of delicate long-stemmed glasses, but this morning’s Dunkin Donuts cup will add a subtle “hazelnut latte” flavor that’ll have you sailing right into five o’clock.
Junior Mints + Shiraz
“Sugar and Spice” is nice. But there’s nothing like “Soy Lecithin Emulsifier and Spice” to calm you down when you want to deck the asshole in front of you during lunch rush hour at Panera. Pop a J-Mint, sip some Shiraz, and let the bold spiciness of the wine combine with the synthetic glaze glucose party inside your mouth till you’re floating away on a cloud of candy-booze bliss.
Junior Mints + Cabernet Sauvignon
Cabernet Sauvignons are strong wines, well suited to hearty meat dishes and also the artery-clogging confectioner’s glaze in your Junior Mints. The rich, heady blend will ground you, while the K-Pop-level saccharine blast turns you into a wide-eyed, overly stimulated freak show. Net-net, you’ll be lightly fucked-up enough to make it through this waste-of-life phone call with AT&T.
These are just a few ideas to get you started, but don’t feel restricted by them. Remember: The beauty of Junior Mints is that they literally go with all wines including whiskey, gin, and the $4.99 vodka that comes in a big plastic jug. Have fun!
