Sometimes your tiny butt has it perks. For instance, when you’re double-buckling in the backseat of your man’s Mini Cooper on the way to his kickball game (Go Brian!!). But when there’s a serious emergency (you have to sing karaoke to Sir Mix-a-Lot), you’ll desperately need some more booty to shake. Luckily, you can feign a big butt in an emergency with these crucial tips:
- Slide a Wonderbra over your butt.
It’s a brutally competitive happy hour, and the tits you’ve been faking since you were 13 don’t hold a candle to Katie-from-Marketing’s ample junk-in-the-trunk. The situation is serious, but you have to stay calm. Just hit the bathroom, and slip your Wonderbra over ‘em for a butt that’s two full cup sizes bigger than your momma gave you. Everybody will be like, “Damn girl!” and, “It’s inspiring how perfectly your body transforms to fit the ideal feminine silhouette of the evening!”
- Iron some pleats into your pants.
Your date goes from teasing you for eating two breadsticks to gushing about the booties in the “Anaconda” music video. UGH, boys can never make up their mind about how big butts should be! You thought you should be small but now you should be big; at least in your butt! Now what? This is salvageable: Run backward to the bathroom and bust out a travel-sized iron, press some heavy-duty pleats into your harem pants, and watch your butt grow at least three sizes. If you’re lazy, change into pleated high-waist khakis and tell him you peed yourself. He won’t care when he sees that pretty pleated patootie you’re packin’!
- Just belt it.
Oh wow, J. Lo is starring in an intense new cop drama and all anybody at this baby shower can talk about is her butt? You can’t afford to sit this one out on your average, forgettable buns! This is an emergency. Think of your butt as a soft chunk of marble, you need to sculpt it into something beautiful when it matters most. The process is simple: Cinch a little belt under each cheek, pulling each buckle tight to give the illusion of voluptuous curves. Jenny from the where? Who cares!
- Hire a butt stunt double.
For a big occasion, like the company Christmas party, consider keeping an ample-bootied stunt double on-call for when you need it. After accepting your award for Best Ugly Sweater, strategically “trip” over a power cord and let your stunt double make your grand exit when the lights come back on (You can easily hire someone for $20 on Craigslist; $10 if there’s free booze.). They’ll hate to see you go, but love to watch her bomb ass leave!
While it’s easy to feel stuck with your biological butt, all it takes is a little imagination to transform your tush temporarily. Remember: A bootie’s only as juicy as meets the eye!