Hey girl! I’m not even sure how to launch into this, because of how totally embarrassing it is, but I know if anyone will understand, it’s you! It’s deeply mortifying to admit—oh gosh, I’m blushing!!—but the other day as I was combing through my freshly laundered wardrobe, I came across my favorite dress from eighth grade—you know, the one I bought on vacation with my family in Italy?! Anyways, feeling nostalgic as I do (LOL, I’ve always been one for memories, I’m such a nerd!) I tried it on, and even now at age 29—IT FITS!
UGH!!!
Can you even imagine how embarrassed I am?! It’s been over 15 years! My body has been through so many changes, I’m a REAL woman now, and somehow I’m still small enough to fit into this dress from eighth grade!! You can understand how absolutely silly I feel, still able to fit into this dress so many years later. It’s almost as if every square inch of my body remains as young and taut as 13-year-old me. I hate it!!!
Look how good it looks on my now-adult body. Honestly, can you believe? My boobs hold up on their own—still!!! SO EMBARRASSING!!!
But listen to me, going on about my problems in front of you, someone who has changed, like, a ton since eighth grade. I’m sure you never have this problem!!! Your body has always been good at rapidly changing and taking new shapes, so I bet you wouldn’t have to face the awkwardness of looking through your color-coordinated designer clothes only to find yourself trying on and FITTING INTO a dress that’s over 15 years old. Honestly, this experience has left me completely flustered and it’s imperative to our friendship that you give me your undivided emotional support and understanding immediately!
What would you do in my shoes?! Obviously not my literal shoes because your feet are wide-set and would probably fade the lining—but in my metaphorical shoes, how would you suggest I best handle this complete humiliation? Imagine you’re me, so like—your body is smooth but firm and held to a higher, more conventionally attractive, totally annoying standard (I love YOUR body, it’s so you!), and you find yourself fitting into a totally embarrassing dress your dad bought you in Venice as an awkward eighth grader (LOL, I ran track like a real nerd!) who ended up losing her virginity on that trip to an Italian teen movie star (like a spaz!), and it STILL FITS YOU. Would you burn it, or take lots of photos and post online to own up to this shameful moment?
The neighbor in my high-rise suggested I have my tailor update the dress so it’s a more sophisticated adult rendition of the original design, and that way I can wear it as a flirty out-on-the-town dress, but I think that would just be too embarrassing, because after all, I wore this dress when I was only 13, and now I’m a woman with no cellulite!
Seriously, will someone tell me what cellulite is? I don’t understand.
Truly, I feel at a loss for words! Sometimes life hands you a lemon, and you’re like, “Hey lemon! I totally wore you in eighth grade, and now 15 years later you still fit me? LOL, I’m gonna go simmer in the Jacuzzi for a while—this is just too embarrassing!” I love lemon water first thing in the morning, but these life-lemons are just too much!
Hey girl, are you still listening? I feel like you’re not listening and that’s really hurting my feelings. I know you understand me because I’m your girl, but I realize this situation is totally weird to you because you’re always saying funny things like, “These pants are too tight,” or “I have to get this bridesmaid dress resized,” or even “I’m bloated.” Which is so inspiring, to be honest. It’s super truly cool how you’re so comfortable with your body. I hope someday I’m as comfortable with mine, but I just have to deal with this very pressing issue with my junior high dress first, still reeling from embarrassment!
Don’t tell anyone!!!
