You’ve just achieved your lifetime goal of owning lakeside property in a sparsely populated Adirondack town. But in your excitement to show off your new home, you may have forgotten how to embrace the bucolic quaintness of country living. Here are some tips that’ll help you blend into your woodland surroundings better than the blue jay in your hot tub:
1. Is there a pervasive animal theme throughout the entire house? How will guests and cleaning ladies know you have the darlingest home on the pond if your salt and pepper shakers aren’t a little steer and matching cow? Try a welcome-mat that encourages entrants to have an “Udderly Great Day,” or just consider rebuilding your entire house in the shape of a cow.
2. Is your roof very, very slanty? It should be. Pueblo roofs aren’t adorable. Slanty roofs are adorable. Gingerbread houses have pointy roofs for a reason: It’s because children want to eat the beautiful cabin from their storybooks. So when it comes to roofing, remember: If someone hasn’t fallen to their death off of it, it’s definitely not quaint enough.
3. Invite the ‘locals’ with quaint wooden charms: What better way to show off your connection to Mother Gaia than with a menagerie of wildlife on your lawns? Put up bird feeders, birdbaths and birdhouses around the perimeter of your house and wait for all the neighboring cute ‘n fluffies to abandon their posts for your property.
Has all this yummy food started attracting bigger animals? Consider yourself lucky! Your neighbors will be evergreen with envy when they see a bear frolicking with his sparrow buddies on your driveway. This eccentric pack of animal friends now belongs to you and you alone, and what could be quainter than that?
4. Remove all motors and noise. Live like the Native Americans who owned your land long ago, leave your Lexus at the general store a mile down the road, and build yourself a canoe. All you’ll need is a tree trunk and a nice, sharp knife; and before you know it, you’ll be bobbing around like a duck, enjoying the grandeur of your part-owned lake for hours until nature finally blows you back to within swimming distance of your dock.
5. Fill your home with jelly jars wrapped in cheery red gingham. Nothing says “charmingly peculiar” like someone who locks themselves inside for days to can every bean and berry in sight. If you don’t have a whole room dedicated to that one special time of the year, you’re just aren’t that quaint. And don’t forget to reuse those jars after you’ve consumed their contents, for all the light fixtures, toothbrush holders, and drinking/peeing vessels your lake home needs.
6. Avoid objects that could turn your lovely cottage into a prison-esque hellhole. Singing wall fish, for example, can easily tear through a peaceful silence with their blaring, off-key renditions of “Party All The Time.” Store-bought quilts, too, are a dead giveaway that you haven’t put in enough time and effort in your lake house. Don’t think your guests won’t notice, either; the first time one of them peers more closely at the quilt on their futon, they’re going to notice that that stitching was done by a machine, not a grandma. Lastly, eliminate as many appliances as possible from your house. Don’t sacrifice the serenity of your home-away-from-home for the convenience of certain amenities. Nothing pulls you away from the timelessness of the forest like technology. Like the Internet and tampons – it just ain’t quaint!
With these tips, you should be on your way to having the quaintest lake house money can buy.
