I’m a Stay-at-Home Convicted Felon

My name is Mary and I’m a convicted white-collar criminal serving a house arrest sentence. That’s right—I‘m a stay-at-home felon, and proud of it. It isn’t always easy. People can be very judgmental of ones jury’s choice to be a stay-at-home felon. So for all the haters out there, I’d like to take this opportunity to address some common misconceptions.


We Must Be Bored All the Time

Ha! Who says you have to go to work to keep from being bored? My days are quite full, what with cooking, cleaning, exercise, hobbies, meetings with lawyers, and parole officer visits, thank you very much. Lazy I am not!


We Must Be Rich

It may seem like I must be rolling in money if I can afford to be a stay-at-home felon, but in realty I still have to pay for the upkeep of this 90-acre estate. And once all the lawsuits against me are settled, I’ll probably be broke forever! So don’t even with the side-eye.



We’re Wasting Our Education

Let me tell you, ladies, I couldn’t have embezzled half a million dollars without an MBA. And let’s just say the Ivy League business school community runs deep, even if your electronic communications are cut off. Not that I’d take advantage of that, of course. (Hi, Officer Davis!)


We’re Not Feminists

This one really irks me. Some people think that just because I’m a stay-at-home felon, I’m throwing away the option that feminism has given me to “have it all.” I may not have a career right now, but it was 100% my choice to sacrifice it by breaking the law for five straight years. No man told me to do that. It’s time the feminist community embraced our house-arrested sisters!



We Lose Our Sense of Self

Perhaps the biggest misconception is that stay-at-home felons lose all sense of identity—because we’re expected to identify ourselves by our prisoner numbers instead of our names. That’s totally not true! Being a felon is obviously a huge part of who I am, but I’m also a certified Pilates instructor, the founder of a line of bejeweled ankle monitoring bracelets, and a wife, daughter, and friend.


Now that we’ve cleared that up, I hope you’ll understand why I identify proudly as a stay-at-home felon. I want my children to know that they can live any kind of life they want. Oh yes, did I mention? I’m also a mom.