‘I’ll Cook Dinner Tonight,’ Threatens Boyfriend

In a shocking story out of Pensacola, FL, 28-year-old Wanda Kreitz’s boyfriend Lucas has reportedly threatened her with an offer to make dinner tonight.


“I just feel like she’s been working so hard, even if it is from home,” said Lucas, unaware of the implied menace of his terrible cooking. “That’s why I’m taking over cooking duties tonight.”


“I was thinking I could make one of her favorites, he said. “She loves eggs benedict. I can look up some recipes. How hard could a hollandaise sauce be?” he added, with the calm, unknowing affect that only a sociopath could put on.


Wanda is concerned, to say the least.


“I don’t know why he’s trying to intimidate me. I do all the cooking normally,” she said. “And I’m okay with that, because when he’s cooked for me in the past it has been…not great. I asked him to make a box of mac and cheese and he forgot the water? I think maybe I’ll just ‘forget’ that I ordered us takeout tonight..”


“I’ll eat that cost,” Wanda added, quietly.



Lucas doesn’t quite understand the implications of his actions.


“I think it’ll be a nice surprise for Wanda, me having dinner hot and ready by the time she’s done working,” he said, maliciously. “I’m not working right now, and I can’t think of a better way to end a long day than your partner taking the responsibility of a meal off your shoulders.”


“She’ll love it!” Lucas added, ignorant of the turmoil he was creating.