If My Mother-in-Law Gave Me Homemade Jams Should I Assume It’s to Eat Off Her Son’s Body?

This weekend while my guy and I visited his parents’ place, I was caught completely off-guard when gifted with some scrumptious jams made by his own sweet mom. She’s never given me anything before besides unsolicited marital advice and a decorative pillow I stole from the guest room, so I’m floored by the gesture. My concern, however, is that since we’re newlyweds, does she mean it as a sex thing?


I think we can all agree that jam is sexy. It’s full of nutrients, natural sugars, and is very easy to lick off the body. The sticky residue makes is good for sex because it’s water soluble and easy to wash off after the fact. Plus, it smells yummy and covers the odor of Tristan’s balls. But does that mean she’s looking out for our sexual health? Does she think we can’t afford our own sex jams because Tristan and I “freelance”?


Or is it all a cry for help that she has nothing better to do than fill her retirement time with copious amounts of stove-topped fruits and their endless uses – whether it be sexual or nutritional?


You never really can tell with older white women. Everything they do and say is layered.


This jam gift is a powerful moment for both of us. Sure, her and I have cooked together before and I cleaned my own plates just to show what a reliable partner I am for her precious boy.



I’d even talked about how much I liked the idea of baking. Is her jam a sign of encouragement to become more invested as a homemaker and meal provider for her little boy, or had she heard us pounding away in his childhood bedroom the night before?


Come to think of it, she definitely heard us pounding away last night because we knocked his “Most Improved” soccer award off the wall. Maybe she just wants us to be happy!


I think I know what the answer is. I guess my next issue is, how do you get blueberry plum jam out of Nautica brand bed sheets?