‘I Think This is All a Blessing in Disguise,’ Says Woman Who Has Been Too High to Read the News

This Wednesday during her Zoom happy hour with friends, Eliana Williamson told her friends that she thinks the whole Coronavirus thing is, ultimately, a blessing in disguise.


“I think this is a real opportunity to get grounded,” said Eliana who’s been stoned out of her mind for most of every day of quarantine, aside from when she shaves her legs because that requires more focus. “Soon we’ll find the silver lining in all of this.”


Having missed most of the news of massive layoffs, failures to freeze rents, not to mention the massive death toll, Eliana is sure that this time will all be for the best.



“We’ve all gotta just light up a joint and go within,” Eliana told her friend whose Instagram posts she’d missed, detailing that she and her husband were currently out of work and her grandmother was likely to die from Coronavirus within the next couple of days.


“Just be still and have gratitude for what we have,” Eliana went on. “Like electricity and plumbing and legal weed. Oh and those toaster strudel things where you put on the icing yourself.”


Luckily Eliana’s friends were not surprised.


“I mean I could’ve guessed this is how she’d spend her quarantine time,” says Alyssa Fuller. “And frankly sometimes she’s preferable to Amanda, who sends me like six articles a day about how I’m murdering someone if I go outside.”