Nation’s Nude Stockpiles Increasing at a Dramatic Rate

According to a report from the Associated Press, the country’s typically moderate stockpiles of nude selfies are increasing at a rate never seen before.


“We’re looking at an average of 15.4 nudes or semi-nudes per individual,” said Nathan Porter, lead statistician at UCLA. “That number is heavily inflated by those between the ages of 19-34, but we’re also seeing an exponential increase in the average number of NSFW pics on phones belonging to older generations as well.”


As the pandemic continues to force the nation indoors and out of work, the population is experiencing an increase in both free time and blind horniness, two major factors in nude photo taking statistics.



“We’re assuming this trend is mainly linked to boredom, with so much of the country laid off or working from home,” said Kelly Nguyen, another statistics expert. “However, the sudden inflation in Tinder profiles, combined with frequent masturbation becoming a pandemic of its own could also be factored in.”


“More jerking off means higher demand for jerk-off fodder – that’s just science,” Ms. Nguyen added.


People across the country are unsurprised by the report.


“I haven’t been able to leave the house in days,” said Portia Braley of Des Moines. “The very least I can do is take some hot pics of this quarantine bod.”


“What else is there to do?” said Tanya Princeton, of Louisville. “I don’t have a job, so I’m bored, and I don’t have any groceries, so I’m skinny. There’s really never been a more opportune time for me to take nudes.”


“Just as we suspected,” said Mr. Porter.