I used to be afraid of weightlifting. I was always told that by lifting heavy things, I would get bulky muscles and look masculine. It certainly didn’t help that gym culture can be super intimidating. I’d rather quietly fart in yoga than fight a meathead for a spot at the squat rack! But this year I pledged to get over my fears and finally try it out. Now, just six months later, I can bench half my bodyweight, deadlift 90 pounds, and crush my boyfriend’s dick in just 30 seconds.
The most important part of my fitness journey was starting small: The first time I stepped into the gym, I was doing finger curls with just a water bottle! In a room full of buff men doing power cleans to my left and right, I felt pretty weak. Back then, I would give my boyfriend a handy and he would barely feel it, even though I was squeezing my hardest.
But I was confident that I could and WOULD get stronger. I worked out everyday, no matter how tired my wrists were from typing at work. I stuck to my program religiously, never missing a set. I carried a shake weight with me everywhere. At the end of my reps I would quickly jerk off a dumbbell with two kettlebells hanging off. I wasn’t going to let anything keep me from getting stronger and giving painful HJs.
I knew my training had finally paid off one night when the velocity of my handjob yanked my man right out of his chair. Watching him writhe on the floor, I couldn’t help but feel immense pride over how far I had come. Looking at the far wall, I was even proud of how far he had cum. I asked him to get this on video to share on my #fitspo Instagram, but he was rendered unconscious.
Of course, nowadays, just gripping his dick can draw blood, and if I’m feelin’ real randy, I can burst the dorsal vein in his dick just by stroking it.
There are so many amazing benefits to lifting weights. Carrying groceries back to my apartment is a breeze, and I can finally lift my bag into the overhead bin without any help. Even my appetite has grown stronger – I eat like a frat boy! Speaking of frat boys, I can jerk off an entire frat house in five minutes, completely pulverizing their dicks in the process.
I always wanted to be the kind of woman that just looked strong, muscles rippling and an air of confidence that said, “I will destroy your meat.” Now I am that woman and so much more – I’m also a woman who knows that the opening of the penis is called the meatus. I learned that at the hospital when the doctors were sewing my boyfriend’s dick back together.
Every woman should try lifting weights to empower themselves and unlock the strength and power we all have inside. It’s so worth it to walk around feeling like you’re capable of anything, whether it’s arguing for equal pay, clapping back at catcallers, or giving a handjob as crushing as the weight of the patriarchy. Being strong sure does come in handy!
