After yet another restless night of anxiety, Leila Meehan downloaded a meditation app on her phone to try and center and ground herself, despite the fact that what she really needs is an all-night ride on the Dick Express, the lay-down move-around, the no -pants dance.
“I feel really scattered these days, I can’t concentrate, I think it’s time to try meditation,” Leila told her friends, who politely refrained from asking her how long it’s been since she got pounded like a gavel.
“I want to feel, you know, present, in the moment, just joyful and tuned-in,” Leila continued, unaware that she was describing the sweet surrender of turning your body over to a capable, powerful paramour.
Three weeks into using her meditation app, Leila reported a slight increase in her attention span and a growing interest in checking out Starz’s sexy time travel series Outlander, for some reason.
When her therapist suggested that intercourse might help her feel more in touch with her body, Leila responded, “No, it can’t be that, I see Jonathan once or twice a month,” referring to her longtime friend with benefits.
Experts agree that while Jonathan tries his best as a lover, he is incapable of giving Leila what she really needs: banging the gong loud enough to be heard a mile away. A thrusting into outer space, a jackhammering to the center of the Earth, the kind of shafting that rearranges her guts.
Leila, who already does yoga every morning and writes in her journal most evenings, previously tried swapping coffee for tea, going on runs, keeping a gratitude list and even prayer in her quest for serenity. What she hasn’t done is go three rounds with a beefy stud who knows where to put it and won’t stop ‘till she’s ready to be wrung out like a rag.
As the free trial on the meditation app ended, Leila considered purchasing a subscription, and then briefly thought that she could instead use the phone storage space for Tinder before dismissing the notion, which may prove detrimental to her overall wellbeing.
“If a woman, or anyone really, goes too long without being properly boinked, screwed, plowed, she gets antsy!” said researcher Holly Lembeck. “Getting your back blown out has been proven to have all sorts of mental health benefits. I don’t need to point you to a study here, it’s just a fact everyone knows. You feel better after you fuck.”
In a pinch, added Lembeck, smoking a ton of weed will also work.