I Never Wanted Kids. Then I Found this Tiny Top Hat.

A lot of women dream of one day becoming a mother, but that wasn’t always my thing. In fact, I always felt a bit jaded about the idea of caring for helpless little kids on a full-time basis. I didn’t even worry about dying alone – that thought actually kind of appealed to me. But all of that changed when one day, while searching through an old box of discarded clothing, I discovered this tiny top hat.


That’s when I knew: I was destined to be a mom.


As soon as I found that mini top hat, I felt a change in my body and mind. There was something so majestic and smart about this teensy, fancy hat that would look great on a baby. Putting it on a dog seemed far too cliché, but I knew I had to incorporate this top hat in my own life. Finally, it hit me – I’m ready to be a parent!


After quickly stuffing the hat in my purse, I began researching how to get myself a tiny child who will wear the hat. There are the obvious solutions – adoption, in vitro, surrogate, etc. But after looking at it in my bag, I realized, I should do this the old-fashioned way: with a stranger after a harried one-night stand that will produce a tiny baby – one who looked a little like me – who will wear a hat.


After all, not every baby can pull off a tiny top hat.



I’m really excited to be a mom. I’ll finally understand the joys of raising someone in your image, loving them unconditionally, and attending their softball games so they can wave at you from the field while they run the bases in a tiny top hat. That’s what life is all about. Or imagine me bathing my cherubic child, drying their joyful face with a towel, then anointing them with their little hat before bed. It all makes sense now.


I feel somewhat stupid about my former assessment of parenthood; ignorant even. I was so selfish in envisioning my future alone. Now I know that true joy is in providing a future for someone else, and encouraging them to be their own unique person as long as they continue to wear the tiny top hat you gave them.


It won’t be easy. I know not everyone will accept my decision to be a single mom of a top hat kid. But I’m ready. Because I know it’s worth it. After all, this top hat is really fucking cute.