Weed is fun, but it’s also an important medicinal tool used to help relieve pains and treat conditions like anxiety and insomnia. While in my youth, I used to partake in the communal party bong or dabble in magic brownies with friends, but nowadays, I use it simply to get a good night’s sleep. That is, until I gravely misjudged my nightly edible yesterday and instead of getting my eight hours of physician-recommended sleep, I ended up eating two more dinners at one in the morning.
It’s like you can’t even trust science anymore.
As I waited for the edible to hit and lull me to sleep, I got ready for the night. But that blissful body buzz luring me to sweet slumber never came. Instead, an overwhelming urge to eat something salty yet sweet and also a little chocolate-y overcame me as I was brushing my teeth.
“It couldn’t hurt to have a few chocolate-covered pretzels,” I thought, like a naive child. It quickly became my famous last words.
The next thing I knew, I had finished a family size bag of Doritos, heated up not one but two frozen meals, and somehow watched a whole season of Riverdale while thinking it was Stranger Things the whole time. I couldn’t even recognize who I was anymore.
I guess it’s called the devil’s lettuce for a reason.
Maybe that’s what I get for opting for the cheapest edibles rather than the ones specifically marketed as sleep aids. I also didn’t necessarily need to buy five Stouffer’s lasagnas during my last grocery trip. But let me tell you – never underestimate the power of strong-ass weed to make you forget any sense of human sensibility as you become a single-minded blob with the sole goal of eating anything with trans-fat or MSG with nary a care about the aftermath in the morning.
I may or may not have woken up the next day in a bloated stupor with empty plastic containers scattered around my bed.
As I did the walk of shame to throw away the litter from the spoils of my munchies, a life lesson set in me: Do not trust yourself or your base instincts when high at night. Your base instincts will guide you to treat your kitchen pantry like a starving racoon who just found an open dumpster.
But also, it’s now 11 p.m. and I feel wide awake. Maybe I’ll take an edible so I can finally sleep – can’t hurt to try it again!