Like doing chemistry or performing surgery, timing your edibles is a precise, unforgiving science. Time it too early and you’re staring at the Netflix home screen for hours; time it too late and all your high activities you had planned are wasted, which is exactly what happened to me last night. In a devastating blow to my evening plans, I timed my edible wrong and ended up watching Planet Earth stone-cold sober.
The evening started off great – my friend canceled our dinner plans, so I immediately took an edible and prepared myself for a cozy night of watching sweeping, cinematic shots of animals I would normally not care about while stoned out of my mind.
But as I settled in and waited for the soothing cadence of David Attenborough to carry me into a blissful state of relaxation, I could feel my night going horribly wrong.
As I watched a leopard leap and catch its prey mid-air, I wasn’t entranced by the graceful beauty of its movements, and to my horror, I realized I was actually listening to what David Attenborough was saying. And then it hit me – the episode was almost over and my edible still hadn’t kicked in. I had inadvertently tricked myself into simply watching a nature documentary, like I was in high school biology all over again.
Now don’t get me wrong, the Earth is a majestic world full of awe-inspiring creatures that live in the everyday beauty of nature. But do I want to watch any of that when I’m not blazed out of my fucking mind? No. If I wanted to watch hordes of jellyfish floating in an endless blue sea sober, I would’ve gone to Costco and gazed at their TV displays or put on the generic screensaver of a Windows computer.
Maybe some people watch Planet Earth to learn, but I watch it for its true purpose – to make me go “Woahhhhh” and ponder the beautiful, but fleeting existence of life. Thanks to my poor timing, what was supposed to be a beautiful, high symphony of watching lions majestically kill giraffes in slow-motion while eating absolutely everything in my pantry turned into a sobering night of actually learning about the circle of life in the safari.
So I hope you take my story as a cautionary tale and make sure to time your edibles correctly – or at least put on something that entertains both sober and high you!