I’ve mastered the art of plan evasion. You see, the key to never going to things is never setting the expectation that you’ll be there in the first place. That’s why whenever someone asks if I’m planning on attending an event or shindig of sorts, I rely on phrases like, “I’ll do my best!” and “God willing!” that leave a bit of space for ambiguity. But this time, I fucked up. My friend asked if I would come to his kid’s bris and without thinking, I said “I’ll be there.”
Well, shit. Am I now expected to be there?
I don’t know what came over me, considering I’m normally so good at saying things like, “If all circumstances align, I will try!” Now I’ve got to go to this thing and the accompanying afterparty even though I literally don’t care about the kid or his shlong. Happy for him! But it is simply not worth me attending an event; nothing ever is.
Now that I’ve confidently said I’ll be there, the chances of getting out of it are near-zero. Every time I’ve seen my friend since, he’s said something like, “Can’t wait to see you at the big event Saturday!” or “It’s so nice to know I can rely on a friend like you to be in attendance at my child’s bris, which will be long and boring.” He’s practically shouting from the rooftops that I’m coming to this thing just because I told him I was going to. Where does he get off assuming stuff like that?
I tried to come up with some sort of excuse to explain why I said “I’ll be there” when in fact I do not want to be there at all, but the deed was done. When I said I actually had lunch plans, he said, “Come after!” When I tried to fake that my relative was sick, he said, “That’s tough. I suppose now, more than ever, you could use the support of friends. Good thing they will also be at the bris.”
I was desperate, but all my methods of getting out of it were failing. I considered faking my own death but didn’t want to risk my friend throwing another social gathering I’d have to attend (my funeral.) There was nothing to do except keep my word. Disgusting.
I went to the bris and was surprised to find that, against all odds, it was kind of nice. Who would’ve thought?
