Weed, dope, pot, ganja — whatever you call it, this kind herb is meant to be a drug of community and connectivity. But what happens when your bud becomes your enemy? That’s the cruel fate I experienced when I got too high with my boyfriend and suddenly he was just a man in my house for some reason.
It was after dinner and before watching The Staircase that I started preparing a fat bong rip, thinking I was in for a night of relaxation and intimacy. Not 30 seconds later was I blazed out of my mind and coming to terms with the fact that I will never truly know another human much less my random boyfriend who is basically some dude sitting on my couch.
Who is this man? What are his thoughts? Why can’t I stop looking at his knees, and is he going home soon? These are the heavy questions that flitted through my mind as I had a coughing fit that left me so high it would kill any original member of Phish instantaneously.
We’re all born alone and we die alone, and never have I understood that fact more clearly than when my boyfriend of several years touched my thigh while I was greened out and I was like “Whhhhat does this strange ritual mean?” What is a boyfriend? I still have no idea, but in this case, “boyfriend” seemed to mean fully grown, adult man who is in my bathroom while I Google “panic attack stop”.
When he exited the bathroom, I tried asking him, “Who are you?” but apparently I was whispering, so after asking me to repeat myself a few times, he gave up and started doing our dishes which I guess is a good thing a “boyfriend” can do.
If I learned anything from this experience, it’s that all boyfriends should be required to make 50 First Dates-style videos explaining your relationship and why they’re wearing boxers in your kitchen even though they’re not your family or anything in case you get too high during a chill night in.
This would save a lot of people!
