There are few instances in one’s adult life where you can access childlike wonder. Bubbles and summertime ice cream are perhaps two of the most accessible ways, but there is a much rarer, more satisfying one for those who dare to dream: eating a blue popsicle and seeing how blue your tongue gets. I was partaking in this today when my pursuit of joy was quickly and callously undermined. I ate a popsicle and asked my friend how blue my tongue was, only for them to say, “not that blue.”
Suddenly, I was cold and alone in the adult world again.
There is a certain vulnerability to asking someone how blue your tongue is. It is as if you’re showing them your beating heart and asking them to be careful with it. I would never ask just anyone how blue my tongue is: It’s an honor reserved for trusted friends, experienced confidants, or maybe coworkers on a slow day. I figured I could trust my coworker Greg to tell me how blue my tongue was and lie if need be.
How wrong could one man be?
Things haven’t been going great for me lately, and honestly, the blue tongue thing was all I had. I recently gave hackers access to our entire company’s security system by accidentally clicking on a link to download a bootleg copy of Meet the Robinsons, but a blue popsicle was just what I needed to bring me back. My life could be in shambles, but as long as my tongue was pretty blue, I could handle whatever was coming for me.
Being told my tongue was “not that blue” was the final straw.
When you’re told your tongue is not that blue, it is as if this person has taken your heart in their hands, crushed it, run it through a cheese grater, then crushed it some more. Really not cool. All I could say was, “Oh, okay,” then try to make it look like I was doing really important work, such as finding a real, non-scam link to watch Meet the Robinsons.
I don’t know how I’m going to face Greg again, let alone work with the man. I’ve decided that this is a sign from the universe that I should quit. Also, I have been fired pending a security investigation, so in many ways, the result was predetermined. Time for a celebratory severance blue popsicle!
