When I found out I was pregnant I was elated! I was even more excited when I found out I was going to have a girl. I simply couldn’t contain my joy, but as the pregnancy wore on, that joy quickly turned to self-doubt and anxiety. I wanted to put an ultrasound pic on Instagram, but every time I looked at the photo I felt something was missing. My little unborn daughter just looked so…plain. That’s when I made the controversial decision to get my fetus a manicure so her ultrasound pic would look freckin’ snatched as hell.
Okay, do you remember that really amazing photo of a teensy little under-developed baby hand reaching out of a disembodied uterus and holding onto a surgeon’s finger? I think the doctor was fixing the baby’s spine or something. Anyway, that’s the surgery they did on me to make sure my undercooked little monkey could have a literally #instaperfect mani. It was hard to find docs that would agree to it, and the procedure took 26 hours and required three surgeons working in shifts. But wow, when it was done, my medium-rare sweetheart looked snatched for the gods and, frankly, hot as shit.
A lot of other mothers don’t understand why I did it. They don’t relate to the anxiety I felt looking at my little fetus’ dirty peasant fingers. They don’t understand the pain of looking into your daughter’s nascent eyes and thinking, “You look like you just don’t even care.” To those mothers I say, “Literally shut up. Your unborn babies are basic AF and if you wanna rumble, I came to fight bitch, so get in line.”
After the surgery I was pretty tired and messed up, but I stayed awake long enough to look at the new ultrasound and omgggg it looked AMAZING!! We went with Essie’s color Fiji because I am absolutely obsessed with vacations and wow, it was the perfect choice. My mushy goo baby looked so beautiful and most importantly, finally camera ready! I put the pic on Insta and the likes started rolling in immediately. I got 1,272 likes. That’s more than when I got engaged! I knew my raw little bun looked snatched as hell, but to be honest I was a little bit like, “Okay, slow your roll, bitch.”
After that I checked into a spa for eight weeks to recover and let me just say, as a side note, that I got my life at that spa. I don’t regret for one moment making the decision to give my goopy fetus an intro-uterine makeover, no matter how much it put her life at risk. I’m proud that I gave my unborn baby the confidence to come slurping out of my womb in a couple months screaming, “I’m here, bitch! And I’m ready for my close-up.”