I Finally Gave My Mom Grandkids and Now I’m Wanted for Kidnapping

We all know that our society puts a disproportionate amount of pressure on women to have children, and often that pressure comes from within our own families. I never really saw myself becoming a mother, but it’s been clear for as long as I can remember that my mom expected me to give her grandchildren and that I’m her “only shot” because my brother has “weird vibes”. So finally, I put things in perspective, made some tough choices, and gave my mother grandchildren. And now, I’m wanted for kidnapping??


No good deed goes unpunished, especially when that deed is two counts of felony kidnapping.


Deciding to kidnap two neighborhood kids was not a decision I took lightly. I had to get baby formula, I had to get diapers, I had to put big pieces of candy onto a long string and tint the back windows of my Prius. Why does no one warn you it’s going to be this much work?


And I’ll tell you, just getting ready to kidnap kids? Well, that’s the easy part. Nothing can actually prepare you for once you bring them home, and your house is swarmed with police so you have to whip right by and bring the little ones to Grandma’s.



At the very least, I thought my mom would be thrilled that I finally fulfilled her lifelong dream of having grandchildren, but even she met me with criticism (it appears new moms can’t do anything right). “What have you done? You’ve made me an accessory of your crimes.” “Why did you get baby formula? These kids are five and eight years old.” First of all, leave your normative and preconceived notions of how a family is built at the door; this is the new normal. Second, dog food is for dogs, but it’s not gonna kill you if you eat it! I think.


Ultimately, I’ve learned so much from this experience. First and foremost, you can never make everyone happy. Kidnapping children so that my mom could have grandkids may have made my mom happy, but it made the state authorities of Virginia very angry, and also it didn’t make my mom happy. But was this troublous journey rewarding in the end? Of course not. There’s a very specific region of the high seas that I need to remain in now to not be tried for my crimes, and if you’re thinking, “How do you even know where you are in borderless open water?” then you’ve got the right idea.


Anyway, don’t worry about the kids. They’re in the back of my Prius at the edge of an undisclosed ocean, the A/C is on, and they’re listening to their favorite music (didn’t get the chance to chat with them so just assuming U2).


You’re welcome, Mom!