Skincare is extremely important to me. In fact, it means so much that I actually set out on my own personal mission to get perfect, glass skin. But little did I know, finally achieving this meant that birds would be flying into my face constantly whenever I walked outside.
Is having perfect skin worth the cost of birds flying full-speed into my spotless face? This is the question I’m faced with every single day, and I still don’t know.
I once thought that when I’d achieved shiny, glass-like skin that all of my problems would naturally fade away. How could anything go wrong if my skin looked so good? But my perfect skin backfired on me in the most horrible way imaginable.
Five birds have actually died by throwing their feathered bodies into my perfect, glass-like face. Obviously my skin still looks amazing, but it’s still a lot to deal with emotionally.
I may have asked for perfect glass skin, but I didn’t ask for this!
I’ve tried everything under the sun to get out of this predicament. I’ve thrown bread crumbs the other way when I’ve seen a bird coming, I’ve tried wearing a really obvious hat, I’ve even squawked at the birds coming my way in case they could understand me — basically everything except changing my skincare routine, because like, why would I do that?
Even though birds keep flying into my face, sometimes fatally, I’ve still received countless compliments from humans.
Some of the best things I’ve heard have been comments like, “Oh my god, your face looks completely poreless!” or, “I’ve never seen shinier and almost transparent looking skin!” or, “Are you okay? A sparrow’s head was just briefly inside your mouth.””
While these are definitely flattering, they still don’t take away the burden of having birds not seeing me and flying directly into my face.
Now, I know you’re thinking “What’s her secret?! What’s the routine?!” but I’m afraid that I can’t tell you.
Normally, I would tell everyone, but I’m worried that doing so would result in a world-wide Hitchcockian type of disaster involving birds flying into people’s faces everywhere. So I’m going to keep it to myself, sorry!
But honestly, anyone with less than perfect skin should just enjoy the life that they have. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I am going to keep having glass skin though. I mean, c’mon, I would be crazy not to!
