I Deserve a Man Who Looks at Me Like I’m a Giant Cartoon Ham

I am 30, single, and too tired to date men who don’t see me like I deserve to be seen. At this point in my life, I know what I need from a man, and it’s a level of lust so cartoonishly over the top that you physically can’t be with me in public. Hallucinations and mirages are a must, reality is a suggestion, and the laws of physics no longer apply. That’s why I know what I deserve, and it’s a man who looks at me like I’m a giant cartoon ham.


My dream man should view the world through the desperate and famished lens of someone trapped on a cartoon desert island. You know the guy: starving, near death, and ready to eat his foot with cutlery and a bib that came out of nowhere until he sees me through the lens of his telescope.


The men I’ve been with before have looked at me like a person with opinions and feelings, and I hate that. I’m not picky, okay? He could see me as any cartoon dish: a large roasted turkey, a floating drumstick, a stack of buttermilk flap jacks with a perfectly square pat of butter. As long as he’s hungry, it doesn’t matter!



I am tired of settling, so these are my non-negotiables for how my new man should act when I’m around: When I’m in your line of sight, your tongue should be rolling out like a red carpet, and when I leave, it should snap back so hard it knocks you out of your seat. Your eyes should shoot straight out of your head and fly inches away from my face when you pick me up for dinner. No excuses.


Please do not use actual words around me! If the first things out of your mouth aren’t “Huminah Huminah” or “Awooga”, I don’t want to hear it.


Take a bite out of me. Do it! I won’t believe you see me as a delicious meal if you don’t. I want to see your eyes change as you realize I’m not a honey-baked ham, and what you’re tasting is the love of your life.


And if you’re wondering, I look like Roxanne from A Goofy Movie.


I am ready to be loved, for who I am, in the ways that I need, that will surely get us both arrested. I hope we get locked up in a cartoon jail with widely-spaced bars, so we can slide out of our cell and do it all over again. If this sounds like you, I am waiting like a fresh pie on the window sill, ready for you to catch a whiff of my visible aroma and float on over to me, ass up, eyes closed and ready for love.