I Can’t See What My Elbows Look Like and It’s Driving Me Crazy

Let’s talk elbows for a moment. I love having elbows. In fact, I don’t want to imagine a world where elbows don’t exist. But, and I’m only guessing now, my elbows probably eat up 75% of my moisturizer budget. We’re talking a lot of Jergens here. It seems the more moisturizer I apply, the more scorched they become. Only, I can’t be sure. Because I can’t see them.


And it’s not just me: no one can see their elbows. Not even you! Go ahead. Try. No matter how much you twist your body and contort your arms, your elbows remain just out of sight, just out of reach, beneath the realm of all things holy and good in the universe.


Your elbows are being evaluated everyday. At the office, on the road, at Renaissance fairs, at Shrimpfest—your elbows constantly tell the world whether you are a put-together young woman or a dry, flaky, garbage-eating mess.


For now, all I rely on are my senses of touch and smell to make up for what has been a gross oversight in human evolution. Does walking down the street, constantly rubbing and sniffing your elbows for any signs of wear, constitute insanity? If spinning around in circles for hours at a time in a futile attempt to see my elbows means I’m crazy, I don’t want to be sane.



I deserve to be able to see my elbows. I’m a good person, aren’t I?


I don’t get much sleep these days, but when I do sleep, I dream. In my dreams, my elbows are backward. I caress and take proper care of them because I can see them so effortlessly, moisturize them like a baby slathered in warm mayonnaise, and kiss them goodnight before I pass out for the day. When I wake up, it takes me a minute to realize I’m back in the hell of ever-hidden rough spots.


This has been weighing on my consciousness so heavily that I’ve considered dislocating my shoulders just to get a look at that weird rough spot that’s been itching for days. I don’t know how one goes about dislocating their own shoulders, but I’m betting one of the homeless people by the river would be willing to do it if the price is right. Only then will I, and my elbows, be at peace.


But yes, all body butters on the bottom shelves are buy-one get-one. Let me know if you have any other questions.