‘I Avoid It Like the Plague,’ Says Woman Who Didn’t Try That Hard to Avoid the Plague

In a confusing story out of a California Pizza Kitchen in Phoenix, AZ, your childhood friend Madison has used the phrase “I avoid it like the plague” even though, all things considered, she did not try that hard to avoid the most recent plague, COVID-19.


“Drew is all weird now,” Madison told you. “So I avoid him like the plague,” by which you assume she means she does not avoid him at all.


Sources report that Madison does not see the irony here, even though she thought everyone was making “a really big deal” out of the plague for no reason, and once said getting the plague was “just a fact of life.”


Madison didn’t stop there, though, continuing to say she avoids box hair dye and acetone skin products like the plague as well. This felt like an overreaction until you remembered she did not avoid the plague at all: Madison got it twice, so she has seemingly used these products twice as well.


Researchers from the Rutgers Institute of Plague note that this is a prevalent phenomenon.



“Since the start of the pandemic, we’ve seen a 600% increase in the number of people who say they ‘avoid things like the plague’” said Professor Mayim Weiss. “Even though, like, we all have eyes. We saw you at Lollapalooza in July 2020.”


Madison continued to use the phrase throughout lunch, clearly forgetting that she once argued in favor of everyone intentionally getting the plague so she could see the new James Bond movie in theaters.


“What we’re seeing here is a classic case of your friend being an idiot.” said social psychologist Randi Mortimer. He refused to elaborate, which we honestly respect.


At press time, another friend called Madison to report experiencing symptoms of the plague and encouraged her to get tested, to which Madison replied, “Eh, everyone’s getting it. No worries!”