Everyone Assuming Woman Who Ordered Oyster Platter Excusing Herself to Masturbate in Bathroom

In a sexy story out of Beacon, NY, everyone out to brunch with Natalie Roth is currently assuming she just excused herself to go masturbate in the bathroom after eating half a dozen oysters.


“When Natalie ordered oysters I was like, whoa, what do you have an orgy to get to after this?” said a friend, Sasha Barker. “Anyway, she doused those things in lemon and relish and shot ‘em straight back, so it was no surprise when she had to excuse herself afterward to, you know, masturbate in the restaurant bathroom.”


Everyone else at the table and the restaurant more broadly was on the same page that Natalie was going to rub one out after eating those bivalve mollusks.

“I wasn’t at all surprised when I saw her excusing herself toward the end of the meal,” said the group’s server, Devonte Brooks. “When I passed by her I just told her where the bathroom was and gave her a little wink. I mean, call me unprofessional but we all knew what was going on here. Plus, she’s the one jacking off in a public restroom!”


Experts confirm that Natalie was definitely masturbating in the single stall bathroom of this upstate lunch spot.



“Oysters are a notorious aphrodisiac due to their high concentration of zinc and dopamine-boosting qualities,” says sexologist Dr. Muriel Grove. “So if someone orders them at a restaurant then they may as well be grinding up and snorting Viagra in the town square, essentially.”


We were able to catch up with Natalie on her way back from the bathroom for a quick interview during which we raised our eyebrows a lot and said, “How’d it go in there?” But Natalie pretended to be confused and declined to comment.


Back at the table, Natalie’s friends were quick to razz her for being a sex maniac.


“I don’t know what everyone is talking about,” Natalie said. “Anyway, sorry I was in the bathroom for so long. I think there was someone wrong with those oysters, I was having raging diarrhea.”


Okay, we know what raging diarrhea is code for!!