Sexist menstrual etiquette teaches women to hide their tampons when they walk to the bathroom, as though periods were a shameful secret. Tampon companies all seem to advertise their products with words like “discreet,” “quiet” or “silent,” but I’m tired of keeping my period hush-hush around people.
That’s why I’ve decided to knight everyone with my tampon on the way to the bathroom. And so far, it’s going great.
There was a time when I hid my tampon inside a case, but now I carry it in the open like a sword and bring it down upon the shoulders of all those I pass on my way to the ladies room. You may think I’m the one who deserves to be knighted since I’m the brave one who’s not afraid of my own body, but no worries – I do also knight myself (last, of course, because I deserve it and this is also part of my self-care).
Knighting everyone takes a really long time because I go through the entire ceremony of knighthood, from making my colleagues kneel before their desk like an altar to swearing an oath of allegiance to me, their period lord. I also make them swear to assist the oppressed and the downtrodden, because all knights should be selfless, even if they were knighted with a non-applicator tampon. This has caused several leaks due to the sheer time consumed, but all in all, I think the visibility is worth it.
What can I say? I’m not embarrassed to perform an entire medieval dubbing ritual with tampons out in the open, before my coworkers, God and the Church.
If this were during any earlier period in history, I would for sure be put in jail or even killed for knighting someone with a tampon. Thankfully, society has progressed enough that I’m allowed to knight people with my tampon legally even if it’s annoying, and kind of time-consuming, and maybe even a little counterproductive but all in good fun.
So many women feel the need treat their period like it’s a contagious, humiliating disease. That’s why I’m choosing not being discreet in any way about carrying my sacred cotton sword. Instead, I’m choosing to bestow the gift of knighthood upon all those around me blessed enough to witness my march to the bathroom, where I’ll then take the same cotton tube I tapped them with and put it straight in my vagina, plugging up my hole and soaking up my bloody insides.