REPORT: Everyone In Coffee Shop Bathroom Shitting Their Brains Out

According to a recent MIT study conducted through field research of coffee shops across all 50 states, everyone in the coffee shop bathroom is relentlessly shitting their brains out.


“Shocked is an understatement,” said Prof. Harold Grosser, head researcher of the study. “We entirely underestimated the number of customers who happen to be shitting their brains out in coffee shop bathrooms. Obviously, there is a direct correlation between caffeine and increased bowel movement, but when you really think about what’s going on in there – it’s just insane.”


The study found that 78% of coffee shop customers shit their brains out within just 30 minutes of consuming their beverage, with 31% returning to shit their brains out a second time. The study also concluded that subjects were 40 times more likely to shit their brains out in a coffee shop bathroom than anywhere else.


“It’s incessant,” laments Sage Corrigan, a local barista in the Bay Area. “I spend more time cleaning up after people who just shit their brains out than I do making lattes.”


While several baristas confirmed the findings, researchers noted some challenges within the study.


“Our initial subjects refused to admit they were taking so many epic shits in coffee shop bathrooms, let alone shitting there at all,” says researcher Jessica Kraft. “It took a lot of effort to find a focus group willing to be transparent about how much shitting is going on in that single-stall bathroom.”



“Honestly, I love shitting my brains out in coffee shop bathrooms,” said Milly Matthews, a study participant and frequent coffee shop customer. “I don’t know, something about the indie band stickers all over the bathroom walls, a leaky sink, and wet floor. Oh, and if the toilet paper is gone, I just panic and shit my brains out more. It’s great!”