In a terrifying story out of South Orange, NJ, 28-year-old Amy Lewis discovered a particularly dangerous former Tinder match lurking outside her front door. Fearful of getting too close, called on the spider residing in her garage to help her murder him.
The spider, a 34-year-old Black Widow, who had been living with Amy since June 2019, noted that Amy had a long history of bringing terrible men into their home.
“I tried to warn her to be more careful and take the necessary precautions for blind dates. I told her she should meet in a public place first and text me her location in advance, so I know where she is going.”
The Black Widow noted that while many of Amy’s previous choices were questionable, her newest match was particularly bad, putting too much pressure on her to have sex after their first date.
“This was definitely the worst man Amy has brought into our home and, since I have no fear of killing pathetic human men, I was happy to intervene.”
The Black Widow insisted that Amy not blame herself or apologize.
“We all make mistakes with guys and they are the ones who should be held responsible. Besides, without much effort, my venom can quickly disable most grown men. Amy was super worked up about having to kill him but honestly, it’s really not a big deal.”
After disposing of the body, Amy and the Black Widow enjoyed a nice glass of Cabernet and vented about their dating lives and how horrible men are in general.
“I’m definitely going to be more careful going forward, but I’m glad I have such a great roommate,” Amy remarked, still covered in mud. “Women have to look out for each other.”
“Amy’s judgment is not always the best, but she’s learning. I’m glad things worked out so well,” said the spider. “It’s rough out there. When I was in my twenties, I ate no less than three of my exes.”
Amy and her spider were recovering from the traumatic experience and are looking into a new apartment with a better living room and a bigger, darker garage.
