We’ve all been there: You see a plaid skirt online or in a store, and within the privacy of your home or dressing room, it looks great! But the moment you leave the house, you’ve got predators lined up around the block calling you Lolita and projecting their repressed Catholic psyches’ schoolgirl fantasies on you. Suddenly this simple piece of clothing has become a creep magnet. But if you follow a few simple style guidelines, you can mitigate the amount of perv attention you attract, which of course, is on you!
Add a matching jacket.
Look at you in a preppy suit! You’re a fashionable lawyer, not a horny minor. You’re off to a meeting, perhaps at the UN. Just be careful that the room you’re in doesn’t get too hot, requiring you to remove your jacket, rendering you, suddenly, wearing not a suit but a plaid skirt, which is naturally sexual in a pedophilic way.
Even a non-plaid pleated skirt is enough to stir up the imagination, thanks mostly to the “…Baby One More Time” video, and if you combine pleats with plaid you end up in serious role play territory. A pencil skirt in plaid might have kind of a librarian vibe, but that’s a different issue.
No knee socks, pigtails or backpacks.
Ideally, a grown woman should be able to wear whatever she wants without running the risk of invoking an iffy and uncomfortable trope, but this is the real world, and if you wear knee socks, put your hair in pig tails, or carry a back pack while you’re in a plaid skirt, it’s just more trouble than it’s worth. If you’ve got books, maybe carry them in a tote bag? Collared shirts are dicey. Tights are fine.
Have a strong handshake.
If you’re wearing a plaid skirt when you meet a new person, look them straight in the eye, say your first and last name, and grip their hand firmly. This subconsciously communicates to the other person, “I am a grown woman. I can rent a car. I don’t do homework. I’m your equal.” Waving, giggling or hugging might typically be fine, but remember: You are in a plaid skirt. You can never be too careful in a plaid skirt.
Avoid trigger words.
“Cheerleader,” “Prom,” “Sleepover,” “Locker,” “Period” and “Teen” are terms best used on days when you are not wearing a plaid skirt.
Remember, in the bedroom, with consent, go for it. Play detention, wave your white cotton panties around. Seriously, live it up! But at the office, gotta dial it back, because it’s a slippery slope from tartan to tart. Sorry! We didn’t make this a thing!