Sure, at first glance a raise may seem like a good thing, but do you know what a raise really means? More work. More expectations. More “can-do” vibes. Despite what you may have been told, a raise is not something any smart girl wants. A raise sends a message to superiors that you are a capable person and more should be expected of you. That’s gonna seriously cut into your nap time. Here are some tips for turning down a raise to prevent everyone from thinking you think you’re good at what you do:
You’re a modern career woman. You have rights, too! If you think you might be about to be offered a raise, it’s important to prepare yourself for that worst-case scenario. Do a power pose before you go into the meeting to really get your blood pumping. Watch some movies with strong female leads the night before your annual review. Be strong. Hold the line. Threaten to quit if you must. You don’t have to take this. Don’t take yes for an answer!
Detail all the times you messed up on the job.
And keep it up. Remind your boss about that time that you lost your company $4,179 by booking non-refundable travel accommodations in Paris, Missouri for 19 people. Tell him it was you who clogged Stall #3 by flushing tampons down the toilet. Remind him when you called a client a bitch to her face and took five sick days in a row when you were dealing with a horrible family tragedy. Remind him you made out with your supervisors wife at the holiday party, even though that was actually Sharon. Failure is your only motherfuckin’ option—success is not!
Pretend you’re independently wealthy.
Come to the meeting in a mink coat and keep referring to “Daddy’s gifts.” They’ll see you don’t need that raise or any of the strings attached to it. Act like you might leave this job at any moment to go on a soul-seeking vacation you can’t afford in reality, and they’ll see you are not the person for this raise.
Say you don’t want the money. Just keep telling your boss that you don’t want her money. Over and over and over again. You are not here for the money. Scream it down her throat if you have to. Sleep with your boss so they have a moral issue with paying you more. Don’t be fucking greedy taking a raise when there are people out there who have earned it and are ready to deal with all the responsibility and extra financial security it entails.
Your one friend might tell you that you’re worth more, but we we say: #LeanOut. A raise is not for everyone—least of all you!