It happened again. Mr. Right packed up his things and caught the first train to SeeingOtherPeoplesville. But it’s not your fault – in fact, it was your idea! Right? It was, wasn’t it?
Have you ever wondered if you could trick yourself into thinking you tricked him into breaking up with you? Well, now you can! Here’s a list of helpful tips for convincing yourself you had the power all along:
Leave affirmation notes on your mirror.
Positive messages will help you fool yourself into thinking you really won this round, especially when they’re about how you totally dumped him for a younger, sexier version of you. I mean, him.
Role-play the same story with a different ending.
Find a new hottie and tell him you’re REALLY into role-playing. You play you, and he can play your ex, and the scene ends when you leave, fully clothed, head held high with him asking, “Wait, how is this supposed to be sexy?” If you can’t find a guy to agree to this, try stapling a picture of your ex onto your vibrator, then kicking that vibe to the curb! Then pick it up again, because you’re definitely going to need that.
Change the background photo on your phone to a picture of you yelling at him.
If you don’t have an actual picture, use your Photoshop skills to create a visual representation of a scene where you were dumping his clingy ass. Now it’s YOU reminding HIM how you swore this would only ever be a fling. It had to have happened – there’s photographic evidence!
Hack into his phone, text yourself, then ignore the texts.
No matter how much he begs and pleads for you to take him back, DO NOT RESPOND. This one should be pretty easy, since he isn’t the one contacting you, anyway.
Switch things up! (By literally switching who did what in your memory).
Just because you never had control of the relationship doesn’t mean you can’t remember having it: Think about every fight you had that ended with you feeling drained and pathetic, and replay the situation in your head until the person crying on the sidewalk screaming, “But your mother likes me, why don’t you?” is HIM. Remember – practice makes perfect!
Lie to your friends about everything that happened.
Your girlfriends weren’t there, so they don’t even know you’re lying! Tell them the version of the story you wish had happened. If they start asking questions like, “But wait, how could he fake your pregnancy?” start crying again. Your version of the truth is only a comforting back rub away.
With these proven methods, you’ll be remembering a whole new version of the relationship in no time! Remember, sister: You don’t need a man to manipulate you – you can do bad all by yourself!
