We’ve all been there before: One minute you’re dating a great guy who also happens to be a ghost, and then, out of nowhere, he inexplicably cuts off all communication. Maybe he’s busy reenacting his untimely death, or maybe this is his way of saying he’s no longer interested. But how can know for sure? If he’s done any of the following things, then girl, you’ve been ghosted:
He stopped responding to your Ouija board questions.
For the past two months he’d use the board to spell out sweet things like, “HI,” and, “U R CUTE,” and, “SHOW ME UR TITTIES.” Now, every time you ask a question, there’s no response. Hours will go by as you patiently wait with your hands on the planchette. You desperately call out, “Give me a sign, Jonathan! Any sort of sign!” Wait, did the planchette just move? No, that’s your hands trembling uncontrollably at the thought of being passively dumped by a ghost. Better let this relationship “go to the light.”
He won’t talk to your psychic, either.
Devorah was the one who introduced you two, after you sought her help to determine why objects were moving in your home. Then you learned all the pot throwing was merely Jonathan’s way of getting your attention. So cute. If Devorah doesn’t get a sense that Jonathan has “moved on” in the spiritual sense, he’s probably moved on in the relationship sense. Even your deceased father made contact to tell you he doesn’t approve of Jonathan and thinks you can do better, and your dad hates psychics. This relationship is as dead as the men in your life!
Your sheets are no longer yanked off daily at 3:02 AM.
Any guy worth your time makes an effort to shower you with affection. Jonathan’s chosen method was to pull your sheets off every night 3:02 AM, both to startle you awake and make you melt, because aww, he’s thinking of you! Then out of nowhere, it stopped, and now the only thing waking you up is your own sleep-sobbing. If you didn’t feel an inexplicable rush of wind letting you know he was watching you, ya been ghost-ghosted.
Your grandma’s old ventriloquist doll stopped looking at you.
Teddy the Dummy used to give you the creeps, until Jonathan embodied it. And to think you only kept it around because it belonged to your dead grandmother. It was always so comforting to fall asleep to that doll staring at you from your dresser, and then waking up to it gently spooning your leg. Now the doll won’t even look in your direction. If dolls could talk, Teddy would say, “Ya been ghost-ghosted!”
He stopped appearing in photos.
You never minded Jonathan’s photobombs, whether he showed up as floating orbs, a strange mist, or a vague, transparent outline of a man with no discernable features, only his glowing eyes. If anything, you cherished this photographic evidence of both his existence and your relationship. And it wasn’t just dust particles or reflections of light! It wasn’t! Shut up! If all the orbs are now gone, this dude is ghosting you hard.
You haven’t had sex in weeks.
It’s not out of the ordinary for a relationship to go through a dry spell, but if your ghost boyfriend hasn’t made a move on you in weeks, this is a telltale sign things are in trouble. His touch used to send chills down your spine, but now his absence leaves you warm. If he’s not there to suck up all the heat from the room, or, more importantly, from your vagina, then it looks like you got ghosted.
Sure it’s disappointing, but cheer up! There’s a great, big world out there full of lonely spirits who’d love to meet a nice girl like you. You hear that, Jonathan? Other people were probably murdered in your basement, you know!