You’re a poly pansexual who’s a VIP member of several women-owned sex clubs, frequently dates married couples, and used to teach a workshop called “Orgasmic Meditation”—but your six-month monogamous relationship with a real estate lawyer named Justin has been a harsh blow to your credibility. Don’t worry—it’s still possible to cultivate a reputation as a sexually adventurous and open-minded individual, despite your currently boring hetero lifestyle. Here are some tips to help you remind everyone that you’re simply taking a hiatus from lifelong freakitude:
Drop hints that you’ve experimented in the past.
Use phrases like “I’m primarily heterosexual” or “cunnilingus comes naturally to women” in casual conversation. You may be living the straight life now, but mentioning you hooked up with a few ladies during college will serve as a testament to the fact that this current relationship is just one of many you’ve encountered on your personal sexual journey. People even won’t notice Justin talking about how much he loves Family Guy!
Call out any mention of the gender binary because it’s bullshit.
Approach each new day as an opportunity to expose the gender binary, especially at important life events, like weddings. If someone tries to reason that men are more aggressive than women, gently mention that this false dichotomy marginalizes all the sensitive male-identified folks out there. This will take the edge off Justin’s best man speech, in which he mentions “hella strippers”. Oh, Justin.
Maintain ambiguity by never using normal words, like “ex” or “boyfriend”.
To maintain intrigue, refer to past flings by the term “person.” The statement “The person I used to date loved cupcakes” will draw people in, as opposed to “My ex-boyfriend loved cupcakes” which is kind of embarrassing. Over time, people will question your sexuality and that’s when you swoop in with “Well, my experiences have been primarily homosexual up until now.”
Your favorite band is Tegan and Sara, your favorite comedian is Ellen DeGeneres, your favorite athlete is Sheryl Swoopes, your favorite actress is Ruby Rose…
All you see in that list is a roster of inspiring individuals killing it in their respective career fields. Don’t overthink it.
This quote is your new best friend:
“But the true feminist deals out of a lesbian consciousness whether or not she ever sleeps with women.” – Audre Lorde
As long as you keep it out of context, this quote is your mantra. Sure, you never had to come out to your parents, but sometimes people misinterpret your sex-positive, feminist intentions. If someone still tries to challenge your understanding of the queer experience, softly ask them if they’ve ever heard of activist poet Audre Lorde. Is anyone really about to challenge the Audre Lorde? All in all, a shallow reading of this quote affords you the liberty to be a lesbian “consciously” and a straight person “actually!” And you’re all about liberation.
Women CAN have it all, including a progressive perspective alongside a traditional life. Lucky for you, Justin somehow doesn’t think pegging makes him gay. Enjoy!
