Between the demands of social media, dating apps, and the general accelerated pace of life, it’s never been harder to get and retain the attention of a crush. So, when you’ve identified a man you hope might be your twin flame, you’ve got to go above and beyond to show him you’re interested. Here’s how you can get his attention by posing as an MLB scout taking a statistically improbable chance on a nobody who might just revolutionize the whole league.
Make sure you look the part.
If you’re going to pose as an MLB scout looking to turn the game on its head with a groundbreaking new strategy (recruiting bad players), you’re going to need to sell it. Throw on a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses, and, hell, take up chewing tobacco! Stop doing your skincare routine to perfect that “old, wise, and dependable” look. You’re here to make his dreams come true! His kissing dreams, that is.
Pick a team and run with it.
You’re not “Christina” anymore. You’re “Christina, a scout for the Dodgers!” or the Packers or something! Honestly, the name doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even matter if he plays baseball! Give him the chance to live out his childhood dream, and you’ll have him right where you want him: emotionally dependent and ready to start a relationship.
Don’t rush anything.
When you’ve got a new crush, it’s easy to jump into things head first and end up with a whirlwind romance that leaves you heartbroken. Take things slow! Really try to savor every one of these steps: 1) tell him you spotted him from across the bar and that he’s got the exact pitching arm you’ve been looking for, 2) get to know each other on the baseball field while he throws meager fastballs into your glove (hot), 3) grab beers after the pitch stuff, 4) kissing.
Remember: it’s not deception if you like him a lot!
You might be worried that posing as an entirely different person and offering him a lucrative MLB deal that you have no authority to offer is kind of a red flag, but it’s not! Love makes people do crazy things, and this isn’t even that crazy! It’s like, a white lie at best. And when you reveal that you’re not actually a scout, he’ll probably be so relieved that he doesn’t have to perform on a global stage that he’ll like you even more! Right?
On second thought, keep the act up forever.
Don’t tell him! Ever! He might be mad. Best to never reveal that you actually work in marketing. Abort! Abort! Keep the act up forever! This is who you are now. Enjoy!
Love is pain, and living the rest of your life as an MLB scout is simply the price you must pay to get a man’s attention. Who knows? You could find the next Derek Jeter or whatever! Wait, are you good at this?
