How To Get Excited About Sexual Assault Allegations Like a Republican

When you hear about the latest sexual assault allegation against your local democratic politician, your instinct might be to feel disgusted, sad, or even betrayed. But have you ever considered feeling…excited? That’s how many Republicans do it, and it seems to be working really well! Here’s how to be simply thrilled that a previously well-respected political figure is actually a manipulative and dangerous predator.


Smugly tweet your excitement!!

So, an elected official was just accused of assaulting multiple women. Before you get excited, ask yourself: Is he a Republican? If so, ignore the allegations. The women are probably lying as part of conspiracy to drive Republicans out of office so that the Democratic deep state can continue to run underground pedophile rings. However, if the elected official is a democrat, , then the accusers are definitely telling the truth and it’s time for you to fucking celebrate that shit! This is your moment to have a little fun! Tweet something flirty like “gotcha!” or “This is the democratic party.” False outrage is a blast!!


Playfully ignore the fact that your party’s president has been accused of sexual assault 17 times!

Are you ready to feel jazzed?! Someone in a position of extreme power has been accused of degrading women, but it’s not the man you elected into the White House! Phew! Time to shriek with glee as this rapist gets taken down, while playfully ignoring the fact that Donald J. Trump has been accused of sexual assault and misconduct a whopping 17 TIMES!! This is all you really have right now and you are just loving this!



Bring it all back to Hilary Clinton!

She’s not president, but this is the perfect time to have a little fun and point out what this would say about the Clinton administration if she were president. Throw out some completely useless hypotheticals about how badly she would have handled it, had she won the election almost two years ago. Maybe mention Anthony Weiner too, because why not? This is basically sex for you, it’s that thrilling.


Use the public pile-on to distract from the fact that Roy Moore was able to complete his run for senate while Eric Schneiderman resigned within three hours.

Whoops! Roy Moore was almost elected to the Senate even though he had sex with children but oh wait look over there! It’s a democratic attorney general resigning three hours after accusations emerge against him. That Roy Moore stuff was tough for a sec, but now you have a reason to kick back and throw a party!


You did it! Instead of simply condemning sexual assault, you used a sexual assault scandal to gain political capital and further your own agenda, all whilst ignoring the human open sores that populate your side of the aisle…just like a Republican. Yaas, conservative kween!