So you’ve decided to bulk up — good for you! While weight and cardio training can get you strong and increase muscle definition, if you want to really pack on some muscle, you’re going to need to make some lifestyle changes. Here are some key steps on how to work really hard to build lean muscle mass and make really specific parts of your body bigger even though you are definitely going to die no matter what.
Start slow and steady.
Throwing yourself into a workout plan you’re not properly conditioned for can leave you injured and burnt out. Consistency is key, so start with weights that are challenging but manageable, and then lift them up and down and up and down. These are called reps! Reps are to a set what days are to a year. Except as reps go by, you’ll get stronger, whereas as days go by, you inch gradually but irreversibly closer to death.
Pack on the protein.
Three words: protein! To make gains, you should be eating one gram of protein per pound of body weight a day. If this sounds impossible, it’s because it is. However, at the other end of all those protein shakes, flax seeds, and endless bananas, you will still die. It might happen soon, it might not happen for a very long time, but it is the one certain thing in this life. That and the fact that Greek yogurt is great in a smoothie!
Be patient.
You’re not going to see results over night, but if you eat a ton of healthy whole foods and work out so hard that your muscles break down and rebuild bigger than ever before, then eventually you will be lumpy (positive). Once your body is veiny and vivacious and looks like a bag of snakes, you’ll still die. Even as you build you are breaking down. Your flesh will become food for worms and maggots just like everyone else’s, or you’ll be cremated, in which case you’ll literally just be ash and chunks of bone. All those reps. All those protein bars you gagged down. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of creatine and peanut butter, and signifying nothing.
So use these tips to build up that muscle mass even though in the span of history your physical body may as well not even exist because for soo long it didn’t and for sooooo long it won’t. Happy pumping!
